


i know that hearts grow and wither

by tongham



Category: X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bakery, Alternate Universe - Flower Shop, Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, Angst, Childhood Friends, Language of Flowers, Love Confessions, M/M, Pining, Slow Burn, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:55:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27736471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tongham/pseuds/tongham
Summary: well, you see, there’s this boy junho liked. no,loved.
Relationships: Cha Junho/Lee Eunsang
Comments: 1
Kudos: 6





	i know that hearts grow and wither

**Author's Note:**

> it is 3am i have no brain capacity for this. i hope the plot makes sense and most importantly i hope i can make someone cry. but in better news this made me feel a lot better about my writing abilities this late into the month! i can't believe smoke is not coming out of my ears at this point.
> 
> if you're questioning about the tags don't worry, it's not detailed and the cause isn't even identified. still be mindful that it exists in the work! and read safely
> 
> title from for lovers who hesitate by jannabi.

well, you see, there’s this boy junho liked. no, _loved._

lee eunsang. eldest son and only child of the best pastry chef in town, located across the street from the flower shop owned by junho’s own mother. their mothers became close friends when they opened their shops at similar times, local business supporting each other. the bond was only strengthened by their children, peers by coincidence.

junho could oh-so-clearly remember his first time meeting eunsang, a faint but felt memory of early childhood. following the conversations of the women shared on brief visits after they closed their shops for the night, the two sons had no contact – junho’s mother preferred to keep him distant from the flower shop at his young age – until their first day of kindergarten together.

conveniently, the small home was just down the street from the pair of shops, the mothers walking their children and new classmates when the weather permitted. the first day of kindergarten was sunny. eunsang’s mother prepared a couple of shortbreads, junho’s mother with two daffodils. “new beginnings,” his mother whispered in junho’s ear before passing the stems into his little hands, encouraging him to offer the flower to eunsang.

_daffodils are for new beginnings._

* * *

that’s not the end of the firsts – somehow, it’s only the beginning. eunsang was junho’s first and, eventually, only friend. junho tried to make friends, he really did, but whenever he so much as thought of approaching a complete stranger, his throat closed up and he found it hard to breathe. encouraged by eunsang, whispering back and forth in the high school cafeteria, junho would eventually back out of the commitment. eunsang would always frown but he was never disappointed in junho.

when junho _did_ gather his courage, the best part was always eunsang’s smile, the younger boy always watching on with a happiness as genuine as if they were his own accomplishments. junho doesn’t know when he realized that – it was probably when he finally stepped up to the plate, trying out for the baseball team in his freshman year of high school. it was only a matter of time, he watched their games with a wistful glint in his eye back in middle school and eunsang noticed.

running on adrenaline, junho approached the batter’s box with the most confidence he has ever exhibited in any single moment, bat held loosely in his hand. eunsang settled on the rickety bleachers, silently supportive so not to embarrass the elder. fingers curling experimentally around the bat’s base, junho peered over his shoulder just for a moment, for the support, and eunsang’s smile reflected its shadow onto junho’s own expression.

the boost of energy in that moment was no joke, judging from the baseball sent flying across the green field with a loud _whack._ mesmerized by the red-striped meteor flying farther, farther, farther; junho jogged easily to first base.

much to his confusion, an outfielder jumps up, glove held high above his head. “caught it!”

“no, you didn’t!” one of junho’s nameless teammates shouted, running toward the accuser from second base. shortly after, both teams cleared the benches to argue about the situation.

“what, did you really think _he_ would make it on-base safely?” a wider, taller classmate pointed a finger at junho. ashamed, he held his head low and silently prayed for one of the parties to drop the debate.

“hey!” finally, a familiar voice cut through the noise. “leave him alone.” junho had never heard eunsang’s voice so venomous before, typically so quiet that their teacher would ask him to speak up when reading plays aloud in literature class.

before he could even process eunsang’s involvement, junho was suddenly being tugged away from the crossfire. fingers wrapped around his wrist, eunsang pulled him away from the overwhelming noise, the bitter autumn wind, and into the closest empty classroom.

embarrassed and vulnerable, junho unraveled and lets the sobs rack through his body. junho thought he was used to it, being branded as the loner, the quiet one, why does it bother him so much? it’s not like he was completely solitary, he had eunsang – he always had eunsang, all he’d ever need anyway.

they stayed there for a considerably-long time, sun setting beyond the dark curtains concealing the classroom. “eunsang?”

“hm?” he hummed quietly, junho feeling the faint vibrations from his position on his chest.

“why are you still friends with me?”

eunsang abruptly separated from junho, setting him an arm’s length away with brows knit together. when the younger boy says nothing, junho takes a deep breath and continues.

“why do i find this so hard?” junho’s voice went even quieter, self-conscious. “why can’t i just be normal?”

“junho,” eunsang said sharply and the mentioned boy recoiled at the tone, knowing he took it too far. “i don’t want you to be _normal,_ whatever that means. i like you for who you are. and i’m really proud of you for doing this today, you know?” junho nodded wordlessly, eunsang’s hand rubbing circles on his back.

eventually, it was time for the friends to sneak out of the school undetected and head to the street lined with their mothers’ shops. it’s been a while, the last instance was probably still in elementary school, but the circumstances called for it – as they walked along the dimly-lit suburban streets, houses packed tightly together, eunsang’s hand reached out to squeeze junho’s own tight in reassurance. junho didn’t say anything aloud, he wish he did, but he truly appreciated the gesture.

junho corrected his regrets the next day, waiting for eunsang outside the bakery with a handful of purple blossoms, grabbed fervently from his mother’s collection upon her advice. pleasantly amused, eunsang sent him a winning smile before taking the flowers and disappearing beyond the glass door, reemerging in junho’s vision with a vase as he focused, tongue poking out in concentration.

eunsang didn’t bring up the night before nor the baseball team on their walk to school, distracting junho with complaints on his history essay due at the end of the week. engaged in his storytelling, junho was free to silently admire eunsang, sneaking glances on their short route and smiling to himself, grateful to have his one and only friend be so much more than deserving of a title with such singularity. _bellflowers are for gratitude._

* * *

when junho graduated, he was fully ready to inherit the flower shop, he wanted to – he didn’t go to university. eunsang stayed fairly local, earning a full ride at the closest institution to kick off his pharmaceutical aspirations. it took a considerable amount of public transportation but eunsang continued to visit his mother’s bakery and the chas’ flower shop – just like the old days.

in his inaugural semester, eunsang showed up every single day, charming junho into allowing him behind the counter so he could sit and rewrite his notes. it was nice, eunsang’s presence made junho feel at ease as he grew accustomed to communicating with customers and their high demands. junho’s mother was okay with eunsang’s intrusion: ever-calculating, she claimed it contributed to the homeliness of the shop. eunsang’s presence alongside a working junho was rarely questioned by customers, the few exceptions being older ladies who mistook them as a couple. _(even as junho was getting better, there was no way his body could resist blushing at that.)_

after that, things change. eunsang drops by less often, junho often closing the flower shop for a couple of minutes to run across the street, entering the bakery to no avail and mrs. lee’s wry smile as she uttered the same phrase each time. _eunsang isn’t here, junho._ (not always but often, she would disclose that he was with minhee – a regular classmate he’d grown close with at university.)

junho stupidly took the past for granted, feeling eunsang’s absence like a canyon in his chest. sometimes, junho opens his mouth to tell eunsang an uninteresting flower definition when he’s too involved in the familiar work-related delirium until his eyes fall on empty stools. junho always liked the quiet but the shop was much too quiet on his lonesome.

junho knew this is the way life goes, people pulling together and drifting apart. he knew it was only a matter of time before eunsang made his own friends as he went out into the world – as his darker thoughts supplied, it was only a matter of time before the pharmacy student grew tired of junho, of his flaws and his problems. he never met minhee but he bet he’s more outgoing than himself, less of a burden on eunsang. it makes sense, really, eunsang didn’t exactly choose the easiest career and junho saw firsthand how intensive his studying was – perhaps junho’s problems became his trifles.

circling back on minhee – eunsang met him a while ago, when he began his first semester and was still visiting junho. the florist could recall conversations about his newly-coined rival, junho laughing easily at eunsang’s frustrations when he’d talk about minhee raising his hand a split-second earlier and snatching up participation points. likewise, he could recall the singular time eunsang admitted a hint of physical attraction, later in the semester as their relationship thawed into friendship, not in words but in sensations – junho could never forget the details, his hands freezing on an untrimmed marigold stem, the unsettling feeling in his chest that change was about to occur.

change indeed occurred and it did so violently, eunsang’s visits jumping from daily to once a month at its maximum once his second semester began. he never spoke of minhee once again and junho didn’t bring it up, preferring to stay in the dark on whatever went on between those two. left to his own imagination, he envisioned the pharmacy students in any space between newfound strangers or lovers. more often, junho’s mind wandered to the latter possibility.

on the day of eunsang’s final exam, marking the conclusion of his first year of university, junho spent his leisurely afternoon arranging a complementary bouquet to send to the bakery. hauling out the remaining supply of yellow hyacinths, unpopular as they are, he shuffled through the options in the storage closet thoughtfully before adding a few cyclamen blooms.

it’s an unhealthy coping mechanism, junho relying on his flowers to deliver the satisfaction of communication while successfully keeping his heart under lock and key, secure and secretive just as he likes it. he was never like that with eunsang but, as he’s been shown, things change. he didn’t write anything on the card, leaving it blank save for his signature. _yellow hyacinths are for jealousy._

* * *

eunsang eventually graduated from the local university, top of his class – minhee trailing behind at second, eunsang told him that much when they caught up over coffee after he was accepted to graduate school. in fact, junho didn’t even have to push to get his answer on their relationship, eunsang opening the conversation early with complaints of his lack of love life. junho allowed himself to open up just a bit, asking in confusion whether or not their friendship amounted to anything – eunsang just laughed, a sound junho hadn’t heard in so long, and calmly replied with details of minhee’s long-term relationship. _(”high school sweethearts,” eunsang said with a gag and junho just smiled back, still drinking in the familiarity he so dearly missed)._

again, about graduate school: eunsang’s plans took him to _england._ junho was proud of his hard work and all his achievements, a habit from being best friends for so long. indeed, without a post-secondary education of his own, junho cheered eunsang’s on like it was his own, even when they were barely speaking. still, junho’s heart was riddled with the anxieties of eunsang being so distant after being just a crosswalk away. he doesn’t know why he’s so conflicted on his departure – junho had learned to manage the shop and other everyday activities without eunsang’s support, what difference would it make?

on his evening break, junho leisurely entered the bakery across the street, bouquet in hand – special delivery, eunsang’s flight was to land the following morning. bell tinkling from above, mrs. lee emerged from the kitchen, apron covered in flour and pink-tinted frosting.

the pastry chef smiled at the boy’s appearance, welcoming him with an appropriately-distanced hug to avoid transferring any mess. “what’s the occasion? this one looks special.”

junho chose honesty. “they’re for eunsang.”

mrs. lee raised an eyebrow in question. “okay,” she said slowly, walking on eggshells. junho couldn’t blame her. “i bet he’ll love them. he always cherished whatever you threw away to us so dearly.” the lady laughed with a sigh. “the bakery was so beautiful when he was here to take care of the flowers, i don’t have the same touch.”

junho nodded with a small smile. “don’t tell him they’re from me.”

eunsang’s mother frowned but didn’t say a word, allowing junho to exit with a silent bow of his head.

distance established, junho spent his afternoon cleaning the storefront windows, eyes continuously drawn to the bouquet sitting on the windowsill, perched next to a plate of cookies. _pink camellias are for longing._

* * *

distance makes the heart grow fonder or, in junho’s case, much, _much_ bolder. “i wanted to tell you something.”

eunsang lifted his eyes up from his phone, relaxing leisurely where he used to scribble down countless chemical equations. as casual as he can manage, junho held out a flower in his direction. “what’s this about?” eunsang said with a small smile, looking up to meet junho’s eyes.

face flushing, junho took the subtlest of deep breaths before he translated, before he confessed. “true love. red roses are for true love.” it was an obvious statement, the very first flower vocabulary junho acquired and a cultural staple junho knew that eunsang knew. still, junho needed to say it: with his words, not just his flowers. “eunsang, i’m in love with you.”

on beat with his confession, eunsang’s face fell and junho felt a familiar anxiety, the imaginary sensation he wielded to justify his years and years of delay. “junho, i...” his eyes wandered down, chewing on his bottom lip. “i can’t. not right now.” junho’s heart ached at the words, at the tension in eunsang’s voice. he didn’t speak up: he could tell eunsang still had more to say, still had to twist the knife. “please, just... give me time to process this.”

“eunsang, you leave _tomorrow.”_ out of character, junho argued back, running on autopilot in uncharted territory. “i won’t see you again for eight months.”

“i _know,”_ he said sharply and junho flinched at the words. still considerate, still _eunsang,_ his expression shifted to concern and his voice went light. “i’ll have an answer for you when i come back. i promise.”

junho stared at eunsang’s extended pinky, meeting the other man’s eyes briefly. the window to the soul, junho saw a dizzying blur, too much – how can someone feel so _much?_ junho’s heart ached in his chest again and that was why he just curtly nodded, avoiding contact. “okay. good luck in england, eunsang.”

maintaining eye contact – junho refused to back down – the further dip of eunsang’s expression all but threw junho’s heart to the ground, chest stinging with the glassy remnants. “alright.” with that final word, they both turn away from each other, eunsang leaving as junho absently fixes up already-perfect bouquets.

when the bell rang, door closing in the wind and eunsang walking in the direction of his home, junho turned back to the counter, desperately holding onto the rose. with each new thought, he plucked a petal off the flower, hands stinging gently with the prick of thorns as the stem turned easily in his hands. the tears never came.

_red roses are for true love._

* * *

it’s been three years since junho last saw eunsang. he misses him: more than he’ll admit, more than he can comprehend. it’s not fair. eunsang never gave junho his answer. it’s not fair.

it’s eunsang’s birthday today, bittersweet settling on his tongue all day despite the prepackaged cookies he’s been snacking on through the day, and junho waits until the store’s regular closing hours, appreciating the darkness and insurance of privacy. flipping the sign at the strike of the hour, junho shrugs on his warmest coat and hugs it tight around him, prepared to travel by foot to his destination.

final reminder striking his mind – _as forgetful as ever,_ eunsang would quip – junho pivots on his feet to carry the intended bouquet. it's simple, uniform white carnations throughout wrapped in a red cloth and tied with a bow. staring at his work, he takes a deep breath and embarks out into the cold autumn. _white carnations are for mourning._

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading (i hope ur not confused *holds head in hands*)! comments + kudos are much-appreciated and also!! hmu on twitter @deuichas (i'm using it a lot more often these days heh) or at curiouscat.me/tongham


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